i want to focus, but i cannot focus on anything at all. for almost a half an hour i've sat before my computer screen with a blank page, unable to form any sort of conclusive paragraph. ironically, two years ago i would have been able to spew forth line after line of semi-meaningful text without the slightest bit of struggle, yielding half of the life experience that i've had to date. this summer alone has changed the way i view a lot of the world. recent tragic events have urged me to not hold back, and to seize the day with my talents and my thirst for knowledge. but, for whatever reason, i still feel myself retreating, and not allowing myself to search around and get a feel for what course my life may take. in a few short weeks i will be a senior in high school, and since i have received my schedule i have only thought about ways to ease my workload and make the school day as short as i possibly can. there's a lack of passion involved in everything i do anymore, and although i hate to admit it, i see myself getting progressively lazier as each day ends. my work ethic has been completely trashed. i look for the easy way out of every situation i fall into. i don't want to fall into the trend i have seen so many others fall into, but it's hard to push myself. my dreams seem tangible, but they're not set in stone. i need to realize the possibility of failure.

THIS IS THE DAY YOUR LIFE WILL SURELY CHANGE

so i've come to the realization that i'm the type of person who will always be taken for granted
and that i'll always be a girl that you will fuck and run
regardless of the strength of my feelings for you
i've also finally understood that my friends, who are the best people in the world,
will always be there for me


i hate the first two realizations
i wish they weren't realistic
i start work at friendly's tomorrow

i have very little to contribute recently
i hope nobody minds
i can't imagine anyone doing so anyway


i feel empty
i feel like a balloon
if no one holds onto my string
i'll float away

i wish it were a week ago today
there was so much to look forward to
and i didn't feel so strange
now i have nothing to be excited for
and it's a real empty feeling that i have right now

i'm a trollop

i'm completely happy that the snow is beginning to melt

almost everybody right now
especially my mom
who for some reason complains about me finding a job
and once i find an opportunity for a decent job
shits all over it because i won't be making as much money as i will be elsewhere
or its inconvenient for her
or for any reason to complain at all, because she's a fucking cunt

i keep finding out more things about this certain boy that make me like him even more. no disappointments, absolutely nothing negative.



i need to stop smiling
it's totally corny :)

watch a movie with me
cuddle
hang out
look at magazines
listen to music
take a nap
speak different languages
read books
sing songs
strum a guitar
watch me play
motivate me
help me with my homework
do something
speak up

i'm sick of smelling like smoke
its a nasty habit, anyway
not the least bit attractive
and i can use all the help i can get


POND HOCKEY TODAY
ahaha
i'm excited


i'm convinced that there's something wrong with me
i don't understand myself sometimes
i'm such an asshole to the people i truly like the most
i need to either get over it (and i don't even know what IT is)
or have a total characteristic change-over
because i don't want to be mean, sarcastic, rude and not-funny anymore

Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words.


tomorrow is day one
i'm kind of excited for everything
i dig everything

:)
new furniture soon !
my parents are letting me have hardwood floors !
no more carpet !
they're also letting me paint my room !
3 tan walls and 1 orange wall !
these next few months should be interesting !



i'm giddy !
i think tomorrow should be fun !
apparently we're going prom dress shopping !
i'm not going to prom !
but it will be fun to try on dresses anyway !
i haven't tried on dresses in a really long time !
perhaps forever ?



poop !
i gotta finish cleaning out all of my drawers !
and then i may go on to cleaning out all of the other miscellaneous nooks and crannies on my room !
i love a fresh start !

i wish i had some sort of charm about me
whether it be naive, slutty, what have you
i dunno
i feel dull
i can't make eye contact
its a bummer
i'm too shy
i'm too seclusive
i don't know why i do this to myself all the time
the same type of guy:
lacking in everything i should find attractive
overwhelmed with everything i DO find attractive
too awkward
too shy
too whatever
not for me
i need something tangible
TANGIBLE
yew herd?
maybe i'll start back at square one
and go for what's able
though i know i shouldn't settle
i don't see anything else attainable

i'm a huge asshole.

.

i'm a mess
i'm a washed-out mess
i'm a washed-out, neurotic, tired, and drained mess
i'm a bigger mess than the ones that they show on infomercials advertising oxyclean
my parents are really mad at me
and like, it upsets me because it's not something that i did
and they can become pretty overbearing when they're pissed off
and now i feel as though i can't fuck up or anything
and that i've lost their "trust" so to speak
i really don't understand why i let it bother me so much
if i didn't care then i wouldn't be upset
and things would continue in the way that they were
which i was pretty swell, if i may say so
things were going pretty great up until this week.

HOME WRECKERR
TABLE WRECKER
GRADE WRECKER !!!

i did terrible in history the second marking period
a D.
ahh.
i dont want to get grounded.
stupidt.
i have to do really well third marking period.
in ALL my classes.
i HATE attempting to OVER ACHIEVE.
look out community college!!!
what will my honors and AP classes get me ?

i'm still wearing my gloves
and i've been home for well over fifteen-twenty minutes

steal my heart thru your music

geez.
i think tomorrow is the first day of the third marking period.
this is really weird.
in six months or so i'm gonna be a senior,
deanna and danielle will be away at college,
i'll be driving (hopefully)
i wish things would just slow down a little bit